Pride & Mardi Gras: Identity, Truth & Emotions
Australia is celebrating 40 years of Mardi Gras. I was there in the Sydney parade, I was there in London Pride and I'll be there in all future celebrations of LGBTQI expression, vitality, and love declaration, around the globe. People ask me why, since I am not LGBTQI myself. Why bother? Why share about it? Why celebrate it? My spontaneous reply is: (a) cause I am loving my life, surrounded by these sparkly, sparkly people, their positive vibes, and their contagious, uplifting expressions of love and uniqueness, and (b) It just feels RIGHT.
Why does it even feel right to do this? I sit here and wonder when, why, and how I came to develop this admiration, support, and respect for LGBTQI rights and forms of expression. I mean, I love stardust, rainbows, this whole drag costume extravaganza, and all queer forms of artistic expression in life and cinema (I am the type of person who loves Priscilla, Queen of the Desert and experiences intermittences of laughter and tears when watching Almodovar movies!) But this doesn't justify why I had an emotional breakdown when I saw the Gay Marriage Bill being approved live in the Australian Parliament, nor why I get into these deep labyrinths of thought when I see LGBTQI people singing out loud anything from 80s and Madonna to Lady's Born this Way.
Tonight, somewhere among drag queens, hot gay policemen, firefighters, doctors and lesbians kissing, I had my mini self-reflection session. My conclusion being that, my 24-year-old self admires and respects the LGBTQI community because they loudly speak of three notions I deeply care about:
(a) Identity
(b) Truth
(c) Emotions
Identity
Reason No1: I love the LGBTQI community because I identify with them. It might not be on the grounds of sexuality but I find this highly irrelevant. Events like Pride & Mardi Gras are all about expressing and standing for your own version of 'uniqueness'. And that's why I choose to be there. In the LGBTQI case, uniqueness comes in the form of sexuality, gender fluidity, romantic partner choices, etc. I do believe, though, we are all beautifully unorthodox, in our own individual ways. I have always seen this as a blessing, as a characteristic to be preserved rather than subdued in the name of externally-imposed standards of 'normality'.
Hence, I came to understand I identify with the LGBTQI community cause I do know how it feels 'not fitting in'; in a short-minded provincial town, in a conservative, catholic school environment, in an elitist college for educationally privileged kids, in an equally elitist higher-education environment of career-focused young adults, blah blah... All societal schemas I have been part of attempted more emphatically to suppress my individuality, rather than to nourish it. I had all sorts of reactions from getting disappointed, shrinking in my own shell and crying to revolting and openly, verbally, behaviourally and attitudinally showing my antithesis.I won't get into a drama-queen narration of my life's bullying snapshots. It's no more or less than what other people experience. I handled it, I matured through it and I am sure its impact in my life has been minimal, compared to so many other people who have been deeply psychologically and mentally abused... Bullies are everywhere, that's a fact. They can be personified in anyone's face along our life's path (even in the face of those we love). They are not necessarily mean or having bad intentions. But they do throw arrows of disapproval on our conception of identity.
Some of us are stronger, some of us weaker in facing them. Yeah, there are the bullies who mock our appearance, beliefs or manners. But these are the easiest to deal with, with a bit of effort. I feel, however, more strongly for those (LGBTQI and not) affected by all versions of 'sly bullies', testing your very identity, on a daily, indirect basis, aka: the 'family bullies' concealed behind the veil of 'I care about you and you are meant to be this way, based on the way I see the world' the 'corporate bullies' concealed behind the 'this is how we do it here' directives and 'this is how I expect you to behave to be part of this entity 'the 'partner bullies' concealed behind the 'I love you so I expect you to keep only the aspects of your identity which I loved on the first place, cause that's what will keep us together' and so on and so forth...A late evening in Alice Springs, the middle of Australia, a Londoner (myself) & a New Yorker (Hussain) discussed about serious life shi*t on top of Pad Thai (absurd, I know). 🍜 One of the lessons I learned from my good friend Hussain, that night: All human relationships involve sacrifices. But sacrifices have different gravity and importance to ourselves. A relationship has to end the moment you feel that the sacrifice you have to make (to stay in the relationship), is threatening your identity. That is because by staying, you have to 'trade-off' an aspect that is core to who you are, an aspect that defines you.
You think it applies only to romantic relationships? Look around: how many LGBTQI people you know don't talk to their families at all, or, they face their families' drama simply because they identify as LGBTQI and for some reason they don't 'fit' the ideal persona, their families have fantasized for them (wtf is wrong with you people?) Could it be that they had no choice but terminating even bonds, as strong as family, simply because they were a threat to their identity?
I stand for these people cause I put myself in their shoes. I stand for them cause it could be me, or it might be me one day. And if it were me, I would wish to share the same dinner table with my family and the one I choose to love, without looks, undertones, and thoughts of disapproval looming on top of Sunday roast... I stand for them, cause I despise all comments on who you choose to be and whom you choose to love. I despise all intentional or subconscious comments that make love irrationally rationalised in terms of nationalities, origins, religions, social status, educational and wealth disparities, etc etc.
That's exactly why it's irrelevant whether I am gay myself, simply because:(a) we all more or less suffer from prejudices and gross generalisations. It doesn't matter whose mouth they come from or what they refer to. They might equally hurt and disillusion us. Even more so, they might make us question our choices, benchmarking them on what's 'socially acceptable' and 'normal', as verbalised by those around us.(b) we are all on the same boat of keeping our identity intact and preserving our individuality. I support LGBTQI forms of expression because they are a shining light in a world where 'homogeneity' is superior to 'heterogeneity'. It's lamentable that we need to parade and fight simply for making the (straight-forward) point of 'this is who I am & this is what I like'. But the world is not all rosy and nice, so LGBTQI rights advocacy has a lot to teach us on how to be whoever the hell we choose to be. Which brings me to Reason No2...
Truth
The simple fact that LGBTQI 'come out' as such, is proof, to me, that these guys: listened to their inner self, recognised their needs and desires, embraced them and let the world know about them. Anything from 'coming out' to their family and friends to parading in glittery vehicles is a small 'declaration of Truth', their own personal Truth. I applaud them for this, cause it seems they have done work with themselves that most people around me refuse to do.I am often labelled as 'over-thinker' when I see everything as an opportunity to self-reflect and get a step closer to my Truth(s) in life. I often Socraticaly Dialogue on my life's worries, dilemmas, situational deadlocks, and root cause of things, with friends who place the same value on self-analysis as me (I know we are not the most normal human beings...haha). This approach to life experiences is often mentally exhausting; I don't even know if it's necessary to find 'meaning' in everything (e.g digging so deep on why I support LGBTQIs instead of saying 'it's just fun').
But I can't help feeling that all attempts for self-reflection are food for our soul and sanity. In this respect, LGTBQIs are a little saner than most 'straight' people around me, given that they have already taken steps to tame their inner voices. As a result, they can be excellent examples of 'Truth-advocates', for all of us, beautifully flawed humans, with taboos and complexes, burdening our living.
To claim your sexual identity and parade for it requires guts. Guts to self-reflect and then let your presence shine in the world, for what you are and what you stand for. Guts most people don't have.The aim of self-reflection techniques like the Socratic Dialogue, is to help you discover the Truth, which has always been lying within you but you just need help to bring it to the surface. This Truth originates from the depths of the self and is immune to external influences. It's pure and 'naked' and all you need to do is let it 'come out'. Does it sound at all like Mardi Gras or Pride? When being 'naked' is not something to be ashamed of. When 'nakedness' (physical and emotional) is a pure, expression of the self and the identity assigned to it. Leading me to Reason No3...
Emotions
I am an emotions proponent (and probably that's why I love the Mardi Gras and Pride parade experience!) I consider emotions the currency of our body, mind, and soul; the guiding lights to the 'self'; the data we can refer to, at any point in time, for indications on how the self responds to life happening around us, what we need, what we desire, what we feel. In a world where I am constantly advised not to be 'emotional', cause emotions act as barriers, rather than facilitators in amorous life, career progress, and individual autonomy, I find events like Mardi Gras insanely liberating.
It's just as if we unofficially agreed to gather at 'x' point, at 'x' time to let our emotions burst out, for a few hours. Then we can go back home and continue our 'emotion-repelling', 'independent', 'strong' lives, cause somehow being 'rational' is superior to 'feeling stuff'... How else do you explain that all these masses of 'straight' people gather in the streets to watch others ecstatically jump around while swinging their extravagant, colourful costumes? My interpretation is that Mardi Gras and Pride are 'Emotions are Welcome' zones, that give a tone of 'emotional freedom' in our otherwise, rationalised lives. You know in these parades, it's all kind of allowed, and the 'peculiar' normalised for a few hours...
I was watching this TED talk the other day on the gift and power of emotional courage, an approach to emotions the LGBTQI community is exhibiting more acutely, in my opinion, compared to the rest of the world. Harvard Professor & Psychologist Susan David says that:'
What better way to describe the Mardi Gras and Pride celebrations than the honest, genuine, unreserved externalisation of the LGBTQI emotional universe? Contrary to the emotional rigidity, I am often surrounded with, and all those turning a blind eye to their abundant emotional inner world, LGBTQIs exhibit remarkable emotional agility; they embrace the fragility that comes with their individuality and go out there 'shaking it out'. Or as Prof. David puts it in her talk, they are evidence that: 'We own our emotions, they don't own us.'
So, dearest gay friends, family members and cool strangers of Mardi Gras and Pride,
I applaud, admire and learn from you resilience in claiming your truth, authenticity in expressing your identity and thriving within a blossoming self, which has come to terms with its beautiful perplexions. You always seemed to me more interesting human beings to interact with, more creative and more emotionally intelligent and understanding. Could it be because you have done a little bit more work on yourself than the average individual around me? Let your rainbows shine around us, and inspire our own quest for identity, truth and emotional agility.
As to those who might still feel uneasy, startled or petrified to embrace their LGBTQI self (yes, some of you not even daring to initiate the discussion with me, although you know you'll have my 200% support) I'll tell you this: we are all in this together. Your journey to uncovering and embracing your sexual identity is no different than the journey of every human towards self-reflection, self-love and self-actualisation. It's messy, painful and chaotic. But also rewarding, fulfilling and liberating. People pass by from this earth without ever daring to make it. Nonetheless, some of us choose to sail our way through it.
As I grow up and mature a little more, it's clearer to see the good, old truth of humanity; whether in churches, gay parades, late-night calls with lovers, friends, and family, road trips, lectures, dinner tables, or daydreaming before sleep: we all want to love and be loved. Even more so, we want to be loved for who we are and love someone who will be true to us. There is only one way of getting closer to it: being true to ourselves...Happy Pride & Mardi Gras, people... 🌈
* Bonus Material 🙌
Some Spanish 80s wisdom, that I always associated with being your true self. Aaaaaaaand, gay Antonio Banderas, in Almodovar's The Law of Desire (1987) (cause you have to know this exists)
